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| wowsers has it been a long time. There have been so many struggles and joys in the lull of my blogging that i could sit here all day and still not know how to put them all into words. So instead of attempting the impossible, i will only try and work out the thoughts i woke with today.
It seems many of my friends are stuggling with depression, some mild and some fairly wild. I have only dealt with depression twice in my life. Once, when i was overcome with guilt because for the first time i began to see the fallen world around me and the brokenness of my own life; and once when i tried to pretend that Jesus was not a legitimate solution for this broken place we call earth.
Yesterday, one of my dearhearts asked me if what i believed really was safe. It was almost mindblowing to me that i could answer yes. I mean honestly, is that not crazy! The utter shit that has happened to me, the equally disgusting aspects that are my own wicked heart, the complete pain that i see in some of the lives of those around me and yet I can go on living and loving and caring for those around me. That my beloveds is why I am a Christian. The prespective and assurance of Christ's love is earth shattering. That love is not from me; I would get tired of loving others everyday but I am not the source I am merely an instrument of the source.
Two days ago, a different dearheart asked me how "i knew" what i believed was true, considering that if "you know" something it is no longer a belief but fact. (he likes to play around with logic and the mind) For me the altercation with depression was proof of what i didn't want to believe. I wanted to be able to believe that my friends that don't accept Jesus will still be fine. Perhaps that there was no heaven and that the whole of christianity was a plot made up by politicians to control society. (this is a view that a different dearheart has expressed and because i care so much for him i wanted his crazy notions to be true) I didn't want there to only be "one way." The American in me revolts from that narrow-minded, pig-headed, unaccepting, pompous audacity of belief that is so politically uncorrect. For one night i imagined that i could break away for what i had held dearer than life for so very long. However, as soon as I had decided that i had been crazy to be brainwashed and indoctrinated by our western society, I realized that i now had nothing to offer the world. There was no more hope. There was no source of love and healing. It became very clear to me that I could not and would not live in a world like that. All the people whose lives had so much deep dark black hurt there was no hope there was no point. It was the bleakest night of my entire short existance.
That is why i believe what i believe. Because without it i am not sure what the point of life is. I have listened to many different conjectures of what we are to believe and why we are here, but honestly none of them have seemed like they solved the riddle of truth. they didn't explain pain, they didn't offer a future hope for a healed earth, they didn't reedem the wounds of life and that is something that I must have. And no i don't KNOW my belief as fact, but so far it is the only thing that has been presented to me that has an answer for what i see around me. Why this world is broken, is ultimately what i must have answered because i can not bear the thought of it remaining this way.
Perhaps some say it is weakminded that i cannot face the state of the world without the thought of a savior, and i would say: so be it. But the Gospel is not weak and it works to change and to heal, this i have seen and felt and understood. It is the most beautiful thing. It is hard for us to believe because we are so broken and so foreign to such wonders but if you step pass the craziness of it all and look for the healing that it provides, doubt must fly because it works.
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| So a lots gone on recently.....i had a few pearls of wisdom that i was going to share but they, as all intelligent thought seems to do with me, escaped. Instead, i will share my favorite antecdotes.
Work:
Its getting to be not so nervous feelin and i actually sat over 60 people all by myself the other night. Wowsers. (The wait staff helped some when it was really busy. they are pretty nice!) But there's a funny story behind this achievement.
So it's 4:15 and i am thinking, "you don't work til 6, you read the schdule, why do you feel like you should be getting ready?" (yes. i talk to myself in my head.) Then at 4:30, one of my bosses calls and asks if i can come in at 5 because the other hostess called in and "just can't make it to work tonight". (that parts key, remember it.) So i say, "sure, I might be a little later than 5 but i'll get there as soon as i can." Work's fine, very busy and long, but fine. After work my sweet friend drew had come in to town and wanted to hangout so we went out to hear a friend of mine's band play. While there, and havin a good time, the other hostess for the night walks in with several friends, and i begin to see why she couldn't make it to work. After a while, drew wanted a change of scenery so we went to a different bar. And then later, so did the other hostess and her friends. We said "hey", but it was kind of awkward. On my end, i was decidedly ammused, with no hard feelings. I think on her end, she felt like she had just gotten caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
Family:
I recently went on a trip where i thought the main objective was to visit with the family, relax (although those sometimes are conflicting occurances) and help out a little on the coast.
In actuality, it seemed that the whole rest of the family knew that we were going down to a labor intensive adventure that would invole 6 o clock (am) starts, manual labor and uncomfortable beds in snore infested bunk houses. It was still fun, [(and i loved getting to know the coasties and volunteers. Tom (our site assitant manager or somethin like that) was my favorite, he was a nut. He dubbed me "Squeakie" right off the bat, which was funny to me, cause some of my friends from freshman year called me "Squeaks."...and some people from Memphis do too. (i'd forgotten about that.)] but one of the ladys at our work site agreed with me that it was because i was the youngest that no one had really bothered to make sure i knew the plan. She also assured me that at 52 it was no better, they still forget to tell the youngest. (which she was...the youngest of 6, to be exact). Guess i've got a lot to look forward to.
Fun:
I went to the circus today! We snuck in free (scandelous i know)!! So, I used some of the money for the would have been tickets to buy cotton candy. Honestly, I don't really even just LOVE cotton candy. It was the fact that I COULD buy it that made it so fun. I mean when i was little, with all us kiddos you aren't going to buy 10 $ bags of cotton candy for every body. But it was fun to be at a circus eating cotton candy. It just felt right, and it tasted pretty sweet too! They had Elephants and flying dogs (one dog got hurt and that was sad, but they told us later on that he was better) and these crazy flexable people and tight rope walkers\bike-riders\jumpers and these people who jumped rope like mad men and then there were the people who hung from gi-normous ribbons and wrapped themselves up and then unrolled real fast! it was soo neat, and the trapeze lady with her horses was prettty steller. Oh and there were these people who catapulted themselves to the top of a four high human pole (like people standing on shoulders 4 high). On the really high ones, they used strings (to be safe, i guess) and that was kind of disappointing, but all the rest was really cool. the clowns were pretty funny too--Not as scary as i remembered from my childhood. *Basically i would say, I really like the circus!*
So thats all i've got for now.
I've had my share of ups and downs for a month, but as most always, i would say the ups are outweighing the downs on the whole. Which is good.
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| so i've got several things to share.
>backyard adventures
i found owl pellets in the backyard!! Some pretty cool skulls up in there. Don't ya'll think its pretty impressive that of all the backyards in starkville some lovely owl would have chosen mine to yak in?! (who would have thought?) I sure liked it.
also there is a small and darlin little birdie that has fallen out of his nest. I want to feed it and protect it from the local snakes and cats and dogs; however, if i take this measures his mother may abandon him. I did this once when i was younger and the little birds died. I cried. So i think i will hope his mother can take care of him.
>work adventures
I suck! like woah! however, i am very hopeful that this is part of the learning curve and soon i will marvel them with my faultless skill. (who would have thought such a simple job as a hostess would so stress me out?) What should i tell out of all the misadventures? Um, i guess i'll share the one that i bet got the most laughs from the other workers. Yesterday as i was clockin out, i managed to declare over 8 gee's in tips. yeah, i don't even get tips as a hostess. So that was pretty cool. I guess i should also tell that i somehow managed to miss the fact that i had work this morning when i was lookin on the schedule. So, they called me fifteen minutes after i should have been there (when i was just gettin out of bed and puttin in my contacts) and asked if I knew i had work. My reaction was complete shock, utter dissapointment cause my plans with jules baby were shot to pieces, and overwhelming gladness that i was not on the coast as i had planned. Ten minutes later i was at work, and mildly scolded as i much desevered. But it was even more mild than i would have hope so that was comforting. My hopes are high, but at the moment so are my faults.
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| i got my hair cut. I mean cut cut! about 4 or 5 inches cut. it wasn't even a big deal either, usually i ponder these life altering (joke) choices for a while, but yesterday i said "Julia, how should i get my hair cut?" and she said "short". Pretty intense, i know.
But what i wanted to tell you lovelys about was my hair cutting lady. I have never really had a "stylist" that i just thought seemed like a real friendly person and that i wanted to go back and use the same one later, BUT that has changed! I like Karen. I had her last time and i randomly got her again this time, and i think from now on I'm going to ask for her. I'm not always stoked about the haircuts, although so far they been alright, but shes just really nice. She doesn't ask the dumb obnoxious questions that they usually do. She told me about her dad's dog "cooter". yeh. thats right. and about how for her honeymoon she and her husband are going to stay in a haunted hotel that was on TV on a ghost chaser show. (but just for the first night). It was entertaining. We also talked about how our older siblings lied to us when we were little. Her sister tricked her into drinking tabasco, while my brother tricked me into eatin that bitter baking chocolate. Anyways, in summary, just thought i'd let the world know a. my hair is short and b. i have a stylist. | | |
| You see, i have always been very opposed to blogs and the like just because i thought if you had something to say you might as well say it to somebody, rather than writing it and then having the audacity to assume there are people out there interested in what you have to say. I have, however, revised this belief. Now I think it's almost a..."leap of faith" (to say it like a cheesy preacher). It's so different from having a captive audience where you are sure to have a response, regardless of how long winded you become. It's much more vulnerable because I don't even know if more than three people know of this site, and who knows if it will fit into their priorities to read and then even more so, to post back. But i seem to be taking a lot of risks this summer so why not another?!
let's set some beginning principles here and now.
>I can't spell so please ignore my frailty in this matter.
>If I ever say something that pisses you off, please let me know so that the matter maybe rectified (don't you hate that word) if at all possible.
>I don't know how to do very much on this thing, so please don't classify me as "so uncool" just because i do not have up a "currently listening" or some other feature that is still unknown to me.
>I think it's funny that i don't even know who is reading this and i am already concerned about if you think i am cool or not. obviously not cool. oh well.
>leave me comments and write me messages if you want to make me smile.
thank you. that is all.
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